The Ethan of 2 years ... turns into the Ethan of 4+ years

and 2 months.... sorry I've been very delayed in writing on here. Doesn't mean I love you any less :D

Looking back on my last post I realize how much of my questions posed then have been answered. I see you striving to become a good child...

Two years have passed. I apparently meant to come back to this post and finish it.

Oh Ethan, my boy. One of the things I love most in this life. You have continued to bring me so much joy as you have grown into the young gentleman you are now. I have seen you grow through your education since starting pre-school. I have seen you grown into an amazing big brother (you really are pretty awesome at that position).

I have loved seeing every ounce of boyhood oozing from you as you run, jump, climb, walk like a zombie... You encompass your own personality so well - I hope this stays true throughout your life.

I have seen you learn and grow in your knowledge of Christ and the sacrifice He made for us. I love that you are learning and growing into a child of God.

Son, if you ever think I'm being too hard on you - it's only because I love you and I want you to always strive for your best. I love you dear son.

Hope for the Future

I guess it's a telltale sign that I'm not on here enough when I can't even remember how to log in!!

It's been a rough half year since the last time I posted - but the good in it all is I've been able to stay home with you.

While your father and I struggle to keep our head above the financial waters during this transition period in my life, I've had the chance to work side by side with you day after day. And while most of what I dream of doing with you still hasn't been implemented (late nights, sleepy days, and now a little sister that keeps me pretty well occupied...) I do have big plans for you and me - and Saoirse once she's big enough.

I'm trying to make sure that 1) you have a bedtime routine that we stick to. 2) You and I still get "Mommy and Me" time uninterrupted. 3) You still get attention and learn to grow as a person the way we had been training you up.

I fear that I will let things get "swept under the rug" and you will feel left out or unloved - but I know that my heart won't allow that!

Son, I can't wait for the day when we have our feet back on the financial solid ground and I can provide for you in the ways I desire - Mom & Son dates for example! But know that no matter where we are at in our life that God brought us here for a reason and we have to look to Him to guide us and provide for us. The hope I have in God's grace and mercy gives me the strength to stay by your side day in and day out.

I love you my precious Zombie-lovin' boy.
~Mom

A year ....

Well son, a year has passed and I have failed to keep up with my blog for you. My apologies - I'm not sure what happened ... I guess let's just call it the whirlwind of life.

We had a good year, we got to go to Disney World for your second birthday - what an awesome treat for us as your parents to be able to do that for you. We moved back onto our own, allowing you your own room. You have grown so much, in life and in spirit. My heart is filled with so much joy when I see you trying to learn you Bible verses at night. Even more pride when I see you reading the words. I love that you insist on being the one to say the prayer at dinner and before bed - even if you do try and rush through them every time! Heh :)

It's also a blessing to see you make and play with friends now that we have been connected to a church family and bible study group. You love to talk about your friends and while you could use a few more lessons on sharing - which you'll really get once the new baby is here :D - you are a pretty awesome playmate. And I'm not just saying that because I'm your mom. You probably don't realize it - and you probably won't even as you get older, but I observe you and your interactions every chance I get.

I love watching you learn and grow, talking about new things, showing me the little things in life that you find so interesting that half the time I wouldn't have noticed. Speaking of, you are all about the roly poly's - Nana's house always has a ton out and you just love to look at them and try and get them to roll up. I used to love roly poly's when I was little. It's cool to see you connect with my childhood like that.

I'm excited that Grandma Donna and Papa Joe got to keep the lake lot and that we're building down there so I can begin to share that with you as well. I can't wait to see you explore and enjoy nature and enjoy being able to escape to that place.

I can't wait to see you interact with you new sibling ... you get so excited talking about it and I love seeing the way you interact with other babies. It will be a joy to see you as big brother. I know you will be awesome at it, protective, loving, caring and will definitely be the one to teach and show.

I love you so much ECT, don't you ever forget it.
~Mom

Teaching You to be ....

What am I teaching you to be? I struggle with this concept a lot. The way I am as a mother - will it lead you in the direction I would want my son to be - the type of man your father is?

I feel like I'm doing a lot of things differently then how my parents raised me - which is what I wanted. Not to say they didn't raise me right or well, there's just differences in things we believe in (not referring to spiritual things necessarily either).

Your dad sometimes tells me I'm being too nice, too lenient. I see it as I'm trying to explain things to you so that you can understand why I do what I do. Of course, there are moments when your cry tugs on that mommy heart string and I cave in to cuddling you and letting you stay up. (None of us ever win when this happens - we're all crabs in the morning :P).

I love how excited you are when bedtime comes to read your bible story. How you get all up close, with your nose in the book. This is how I pray you will always be when it comes to God and your relationship with Him. I love the fact that when we sit to eat (unless you are a starvin' marvin) you automatically bow you head and fold your heads and you get a cute huffy attitude if someone is taking too long to do the same. Even if you're starving and ready to eat, a simple "what do we do first" reminder sets you in place with your head bowed and hands folded. So while I feel like we have the spiritual side down pat - at least for now - I just hope that the rest of my parenting is falling in place.

I feel blessed to be living at the Wagner's house during this time to get the experience  of raising your children to know what it means to have a relationship with God. This was never something that was discussed or explained to me growing up - I had to figure this out on my own (not alone, I had a lot of help outside the house though!) And it's not just knowing how to have a relationship with God, but what makes you a godly woman (or in your case, a godly man). The way you search for answers now in your precious toddler life, I hope you continue to have that enthusiasm as you get older. Never stop searching for God in everyday life. Never stop searching for His will in your life. He will always provide an answer, a way, that open door - it just may not be when you expect it to be.

A piece of advice, a reminder more so than anything ...

This life will never be about what you want until all you want is God's desires for you to rise up in your soul.

I love you son,
Mom

Advice

I wanted this blog to journal my journey with you, but also to be a place to give you my advice for life. I've wanted it to be a place where I could share with you my life and my feelings in case anything ever happened to me before you could really know me or even after you're all grown up and you need that loving reminder from mom about how much I truly love you. Most importantly, I wanted it to be a place where God could use me and my words to remind you of His love for you and guidance for your life.

We're taking you to the Shriner's hospital in July to have a look at your legs. They are somewhat bowed and your feet turn inward some. While it's adorable as you sit because you automatically cross your legs, it's worrisome because it's a Taylor family trait and I don't want you to have issues in the future. We were told that it would eventually work itself it as you begin walking, and while it hasn't worsened any since you've been walking it hasn't gotten better either. I worry for you because most likely you will have to wear braces on your legs, or even have a cast to reset bones which means you'll be immobile for quite some time. You are a very independent child, so I wonder about what this will mean for you in that sense. I guess this is another reason God has held us here in the States for a bit longer. :)

You've been in a feisty stage lately. A lot of this has to do with you wanting to be independent, but also it comes out when you're crabby. You start to hit and bite because you are so frustrated. It's a learning process because we're trying to teach you how to use your words instead of fighting for what you want, but even if you do use your words and the answer is "no" you still get upset and fight. We're trying hard to help you understand the difference between yes and no, especially when you use it. For example, when you're in trouble after you come out of time out we try and talk to you about it and ask "do we climb up the stairs?" Sometimes you'll answer (usually "no, no, no, no") and other times we have to prompt you. I don't think you understand what you usually say though, especially when we prompt with "yes or no" because you usually repeat the last part said.

You've also been sleeping quite a lot, I'm not sure if you're teething - you're constantly wanting to chew on things - or just growing - you're already pretty tall for your age. This means you're extra cranky, especially if you don't get down to bed at your usual times. Although, no matter what you still try to do whatever you can to stay awake unless you are pretty much strapped down (i.e. cuddle time or in the car seat!)

I love experiencing life with you. Yesterday, Erica and I took you to Forest Park and we went out on the paddle boats. You were having such a good time pointing out the ducks and trying to steer. It's so refreshing to see you as you learn and enjoy the simple parts of life. It helps me to remember to do the same.

I love you kiddo.
~Mom

Reflection of God

I had a test to take for my certification this last weekend. Usually with standardized tests I have 30 mins left over. That was the case with this test as well. Unfortunately I was not allowed to bring any other materials than pencils and a pen. Fortunately I was nudged by the Holy Spirit to spend that time doing something I so often forget - Pray.

While praying I reflected on you and my relationship with you. I thought about how you are in a difficult stage of life because you're testing all your limits to see where our boundaries as your parents lay. I thought about how all I want sometimes is for you to give me a hug, a kiss, or even just to look at me and you choose not to do these things. Then I thought about how that rang so true with my own relationship with God. How much I am just like a toddler.

All God wants from us is a relationship with Him. He desires our love for Him just like I desire your love for me. I laugh to myself because yet again, my wonderful year and half old son, you have taught me about God.

I love you ECT, never stop teaching me and showing me God in you.

The Best Part of Parenting

is seeing pure joy in your child's face ...

Sleep Patterns

While we were on The Mail Box Store retreat, you decided you didn't want to nap like you usually do - about three times a day. You only napped once, after lunch. I was shocked, mainly because you handled the one nap time so well. It also made me happy, you're always one step ahead of me, lol. I was planning on restructuring your day once the new year hit so that you only took one nap a day anyways. I figured it'd be the perfect time because I'd be student teaching so you'd have a set time to be at Nana's house and picked up at a usual time.

Things had been going pretty well, although I found out the last few days you've been taking two naps a day, which was thrown off your night sleeping. Having you in the same room as us keeps me more alerted to you I think. Just you sleeping in general has. I sleep so lightly now that it's like I'm just waiting on you to move or make a noise.

When you wake up at night, or if you're not quite ready for bed at night, you've created this habit of hitting your head against the wall - not sure who taught you that one, but you find it hilarious.

I love the nights you get slap happy, you are so funny. You know if you stop you'll pass out so you do whatever you can to keep moving. You get so silly that anyone watching you can't do anything but play and be goofy with you back. I love it.

November Weekends

Already this month has been crazy and we haven't quite made it to the halfway mark. Last weekend we had a marriage retreat so you stayed with Aunt Aly and Aunt Kristen. This weekend we're going to Miami for our LAM interviews, you're staying with Gamma and Paupau Taylor. Next weekend we're going to Lake Williamson with The Mail Box Store crew for a work retreat and Holiday's party - but that weekend trip you get to spend with us. Then it's Thanksgiving and then it'll be December and time for Christmas.

On top of all these trips, we've been packing and moving and storing our stuff so that we could move into the Wagner's basement. I feel like there's been no time to really spend with you, so every moment I have alone that I get extra, I take it. Yes that has included skipping class a few times - so please if I ever get on your case in college about this (we'll talk about you doing it in high school!) remind me of how I was in college!!

One of my favorite times to soak up is in the morning - you have made waking up more bearable than I ever imagined it would be. I love coming into your room and tickling you or scratching/rubbing your back to wake you up and to see that dazed look on your face as you try and figure out what the heck is going on! It's my time to spend with you one on one, we talk and giggle, depending on how you slept and time you went to bed you may be more cranky than usual. You never forget to remind me to grab your buddy (your penguin blanket) and you usually like to just sit in my lap for a few minutes (as long as I'm not running late) in the car before we strap in and head out. Of course, you always break a piece of my heart when you leap out of my arms to Pauletta's when we get to her house, but you never fail to at least give me hug or two, and occasionally a kiss. I'm usually okay with it though because I get my kiss before we leave after I've strapped you in.

It's hard to be a working mom, because I want to spend every waking moment with you. But it's also hard to keep you entertained when we are together, especially since one of the main ways you enjoy life is by being chased. I'm not sure what LAM holds in our future down in Costa Rica ... maybe I can be more of a stay-at-home mom, but I also wonder about my calling as a Missionary - always have wondered this since I first felt the call from God in 2004 - and it's simply: what is my call as a missionary?

Ethan, I can't wait for you to begin to experience life at it's fullest, and I've already been preparing myself for you as an older child and how to introduce God to you and His plans for our lives. I hope you can one day understand this and always remember it.

I love you son. You are my world.

"Meant to Be"

Ethan Clyde, I pray that if there is ever a day when you question your existence that God reminds you that you were meant to be and that you have a purpose (even if He may not be revealing it to you right then).

"Long before you drew your first breath
a dream was coming true.
God wanted to give a gift to the world
so He wrapped it up in you.

Every step that you've taken,
every move that you make
is part of His plan.

You were meant to be touching
the lives that you touch.
And meant to be here
making this world so much more
than it would be without you in it.
You were meant to be bringing
the gifts that you bring
and singing the songs
you've been given to sing.
You are perfectly, wonderfully,
beautifully meant to be.
You were meant to be.

Long before you took your first fall
you stumbled to the ground.
God started telling the story of you
to the angels all around.
Every failure and victory,
everything in between.
It's all in His hands.

You were meant to be touching
the lives that you touch.
And meant to be here
making this world so much more
than it would be without you in it.
You were meant to be bringing
the gifts that you bring
and singing the songs
you've been given to sing.
You are perfectly, wonderfully,
beautifully meant to be.
You were meant to be.

For every breath that your taking
and every move that you make,
it's a meaningful life you've been given
- Live it well!

You were meant to be touching
the lives that you touch.
And meant to be here
making this world so much more
than it would be without you in it.
You were meant to be bringing
the gifts that you bring
and singing the songs
you've been given to sing.
You are perfectly, wonderfully,
beautifully meant to be.
You were meant to be."
~Steven Curtis Chapman

1 year, 1 week

I was looking at your 1 week pictures (blog post) and remembering how awesome that first week of life was with you. The thing I miss the most, is cuddling you on my chest so you would sleep. My favorite, funny moment was falling asleep with my mouth on your head and drooling all over you. The thing I don't miss is the lack of sleep from waking up every four hours to feed you (oh and the nursing, while it was nice to know you were getting everything that you needed completely that way, it was really not as enjoyable as I thought it would be).

The thing I love the most about you know is your handsome smile, not the "not showing my teeth" (which is funny because your Grandpa Milligan does that smile and I used to when I was in middle school) but your "I'm so happy I can't keep my mouth closed" smile. My favorite, funny moment I love now is watching you play and run around ... and some of the faces you make and things you do, it just makes me wonder "what is going through your head!" The thing I won't miss is the face hitting. For whatever reason, you enjoy "clapping" my face with open palms and even with toys in your hands. You've knocked my glasses off my face a few times and have hit me pretty good. Yep, won't miss that one bit :)

This last year with you has been such a joy and I can't wait for many more. I'm excited for us to go to Costa Rica and excited to see you learn and grow in the Lord from this experience like we are.

I love you ECT ... You make my world shine brighter!

"The One You Need"

It was written by Shane&Shane, dad to daughter so I changed the persons around to fit Ethan and me.

"Hey, hey, sweet (son)
I am so proud to be your (mother)
Each day's like a gift from God.
Hey hey sweet (son)
There's no music like your laughter
And your smile is like a rising sun.

You know I've loved you from the start
So come in close, take my hand
While (mommy) shares (her) heart.

I wish that I could be your everything
Be the one that gives you all the things you need
Sometimes I am gonna let you down
But there is One, if you just believe,
He'll be your hero like He's always been for me.
(Buddy), Jesus is the one you need.

No matter what you walk through
He will always love you
Just the way you are.
For there's nothing in this world
That I want for my baby (boy)
That you be happy ever after.

The story of your life is still untold.
I pray the King of all the universe
would make your heart His home.

I wish that I could be your everything.
Be the one that gives you all the things you need,
Sometimes I'm gonna let you down.
But there is One, if you just believe,
He'll be your hero like He's always been for me.
(Buddy), Jesus is the one...

Who will never leave, He's been there all along
Oh, when you're ready, you can find the Lord

I wish that I could be your everything.
Be the one that gives you all the things you need,
Sometimes I'm gonna let you down.
But there is One, if you just believe,
He'll be your hero like He's always been for me.
(Buddy), Jesus is the one you need."

11 Months

I cannot even begin to fathom where these last 11 months have gone. I cannot even begin to fathom how you'll be a year in just a month. I know that time will continue to fly by me, and I already miss the times you used to cuddle with me and sit with me - all you want to do is play and run (which is really funny since you've just begun to walk!). I love that instead of giving me kisses you at least give me hugs, and they are the best hugs I've ever received in my whole life. I can handle not getting kisses (especially since they're still the open mouth kind!! Silly boy!) because I know eventually you'd be too big to give them anyway, but I hope you never stop hugging me! I'm excited for our future, I'm excited to continue to watch you grow and learn - it's such a fun process to relearn things with you.

I'm so excited for your first birthday. It's been so much fun to plan and I can't wait to see it in action.

I love you ECT, you make my world so much brighter.

"I'll Show You How to Live"

I heard the sound of your first breath
a brand new life on your mother’s chest,
a beating heart, expectant eyes,
on the first day of your life.

I saw you take your first step
and I watched you run with no regret,
to chase your dreams and find true love
and the best is yet to come.

So come with Me,
I'll show you life
even better than this.
Come with Me,
I'll show you love
you didn’t know could exist.
Better than your first crush,
better than your first kiss,
I'll show you how to live.

Remember how you felt from across the room
when you realized someone had eyes for you?
And the way your heart sang 'cause you believed
you were worth something.

So come with Me,
I'll show you life
even better than this.
Come with Me,
I'll show you love
you didn’t know could exist.
Better than your first crush,
better than your first kiss,
I'll show you how to live.
Oh, I'll show you how to live.

'Cause I created your heart
that makes you feel.
I am the love that makes it real.

Oh, I am the One, I'm the One, I'm the One
I am the One, I'm the One, I'm the One

So come with Me,
I'll show you life
even better than this.
Come with Me,
I'll show you love
you didn’t know could exist.
Better than your first crush,
better than your first kiss,
I'll show you how to live.

Oh, I am the One, I'm the One, I'm the One
I am the One, I'm the One, I'm the One
~Sanctus Real

Sloppy Kisses

You gave me two big kisses last night when I picked you up from the babysitter (aka Nana Pauletta). It took me by surprise! I picked you up and you leaned in and gave me two big open mouth drool kisses ... best thing ever!! I only wish there was a camera on hand to have captured that moment - but I know there will be plenty more to come!

You also have become a pro at pulling yourself up and standing. It's been so much fun to watch. We have a gate and you pulled yourself up and you got upset because you couldn't go anywhere or do anything else and you started to cry and from the other side of the gate it looked like you were stuck in jail! So cute!

Last night you found a shipping box, you flipped it over a few times and then you began to walk/push it around the dinner table.

I can't wait to get home from class tonight and get some more sloppy kisses and watch you move!

I <3 You, ECT.

Creepin Crawl

You are a mess ... you crawl all over the place, not really sure what you're looking for. Finding things along the way (mainly dog toys and bones) that make you think you've reached a goal. You only goal really is just to find things that will fit in your mouth for chewing purposes. My shoes, books, your toys, the dog's toys. I've begun to rearrange and move things around - I knew that day would eventually come, good thing I'm done with work so now I can really rearrange.

One of your favorite spots is the coffee table ... it has spaces between the bottom shelves .... you loooove crawling through those holes - or trying to.

On top of trying to get into everything that comes across your path, you're desperately trying to figure out how to stand up. You get up on your tippy-toes, but you just can't figure out how to get your hands off the ground so you can stand! So you get soooo frustrated!

Then ... don't even get me started on how clingy you are!! LOL ... it's cute, but can take a toll on me... For example (and I have to watch how often I do this with you because I really don't want to start any "bad" behaviors in you) but I set you down right by your dad and turned to go to the store and you had a melt-down. When I turned around and saw the look on your face - it said "Why are you leaving me?!". You grab onto my shirt and won't let go. I have to say, it fills my heart with pride when you refuse to go to anyone else, but it also takes a toll on me when you won't go to anyone else. It's a love/hate relationship!

I'm so excited for our upcoming adventures together now that I have more time free. Once I get past these 30 hours of observation, it'll be me and you baby everyday!!

Love you ECT.

6 months have passed....

I can't comprehend where the last six months have gone. I don't understand how you have gotten so big, how you've developed so much.

You are 6 months old...

**ok technically you've still got a few days, but I've got time to blog now and may not then :D ...**

The little things you do just astound me, grabbing your toes - you're not too big on eating them, but you do try :) - rolling constantly, working so hard to move, you constantly want to jump, you giggle and laugh all the time, gosh Ethan, everything about you just makes me happy and fills me with so much pride and joy. I didn't realize I didn't know what that meant or truly how it felt until I had you.

My heart swells when people talk about you and how awesome you are. People constantly ask me - what did you do?? - all I can answer is - we let him be himself and got lucky! - It's true, I'm not always sure I'm being the "correct" mom, but the mom I am sure has worked out beautifully! I listen to you and your needs instead of forcing things on you and it's been a great ride.

I can tell you'll be an adventurer, you already desperately desire to be into everything! I'm excited for that first moment when you can move freely on your own, just to see what it is you want to get into so badly!

I really thank God for you because you have brought so much light into our world. I love you ECT.

Working vs Stay-At-Home

I don't care what your father says about me having to work. If I could choose, I'd spend every day with you. I love it even more now that you're active and playful. We roll on the floor together, bounce up and down. I'm totally loving it. I feel like everyday spent away from you I miss out on something. I'm so excited you rolled over when I was with you. I was terrified I'd miss this amazing moment in your growth. I also feel like you respond to me more now that I'm always with you. Maybe that's just me though....

I just continue to pray that when we move, Dad will be paid more than enough that I can stay home.... It's not like I really bring much in now anyways, but it stinks that money is so tight for us. I don't want you to grow up like that. I want you to be financially secure in the sense that we're not constantly scraping for funds. I do have to say, God has always provided for us, we've never been without when we needed something. I don't desire the things of the world, but I do desire to not have to worry when the next time I can grocery shop will be.

Sorry if this entry is such a downer, I really didn't mean it to be ... it's just this scenario has really been on my heart a lot lately and I wish I knew how to fix it for us, but it boils down to I can't have cake and pie, I have to choose.

I love you ECT.

My Selfish Heart

I've been a bad mother and I did it so I wouldn't hurt. I pushed you away because I thought "maybe if I don't spend time with you, I won't be attached, then when I go to work I won't feel so bad about leaving you". I was telling myself that you didn't know me because I was always working and never with you anymore. I lied to myself to keep me from hurting and in turn I hurt you.

Yet, when I realized that I was being selfish and was essentially hurting you more, you took me back with open arms. You accept me with all my fears, faults, and failures with your simple, yet beautiful smile.

Ethan Clyde, I truly love you more than you can imagine. Nothing will ever change that. I'm sorry for my selfish heart. I still don't want to leave you and I hate the fact that I will have to get a second job to bring in money for us, but I do it for you. Don't ever stop smiling at me.

3 Months

You are 3 months old today. I can't believe how much life has changed in those three months.

We went from a two person family doing as we pleased, to a three person family with our lives - especially mine - revolving around you.

That first month I'd spend every waking moment with you - and pretty much every sleeping moment as well. It got to the point where I had to say no and make your dad keep you for awhile so he could get used to doing things for you as well and I could catch some real sleep every now and then.

By the second month we had a routine down. You were able to sleep in your crib, you were on an eating schedule - 4 times a day and maybe once during the night. We took you out places and could feel a little more free with you. You began talking to us. You smiled whenever we talked to you. You found your hands and they found your tongue. You learned to laugh.

I can't begin to explain the joy you've brought our household. Your father and I find ourselves laughing in the middle of an argument because you decided to speak up. We find joy in the little things you do.

People already brag about you. I try to keep my head small from it all, but it's hard to not feel so much pride about how you're such a great baby. It makes having another child scary because what if they aren't as easy as you? We've truly been blessed by you Ethan Taylor. I pray that you can continue to bless those around you as you grow older.