Dear Ethan

The last three days have been busy and full of work for your dad and I. While he's been putting together furniture items, I've been decorating and organizing and putting things away. We're 95% done with your room. All that's left is to finish your dresser and put the things away in there that we've got left out.




I've washed your clothes and will start washing your bottles and binkies tomorrow. Everything is ready and waiting for you to get here. Can you tell we're excited? Once I get those things finished I'll just have to worry about packing for the hospital and then the anticipation of not knowing when you'll get here.

The dogs are very intrigued by all the movement and change. I think Humphrey isn't very happy because he's been peeing in the house. Asher just seems nervous. It's been quite entertaining with him. He guarded the doorway while your dad worked and I took pictures. We're ready whenever you are. Pick your date wisely, because it'll follow you the rest of your life :)

I love you.

It's been a while since I've written, not sure that it's because I'm too busy but we'll say it is. I feel like I'm just playing the waiting game right now. Anticipation is awful, not knowing when it'll happen, if I'll be at work or at home or at church (how funny would that be in the middle of the service?! haha).

I feel like I have to see people and do a lot before the end of September because I feel like I will become a hermit through the end of November! My body has always been okay when dealing with lack of sleep, I mean that's how I lived through high school, but it still scares me because now with a lack of sleep I'll have a human life dependent on me. But I feel so ready for you to be here with me, but in reality I'm not so sure that I really am ready.

I constantly think about things regarding you and how will I know what to do. Aside from knowing when to change a diaper, I think I will be completely lost! I've debated asking your Grandma Milligan to come stay for a while with me to help me get the hang of things, schedules, cries, bath time, feedings, etc. I always wonder how women do this on their own with no previous experience. The most experience I've had is working - rarely - in the baby room when I worked at the preschool ... ohh and babysitting your cousin Austin, but I don't remember babysitting him before he could hold his head up and by then he was pretty well "trained" lol. I don't want people telling me how to do it "right" though, because that just aggravates me, but I know I'll need some help ... so where's that line? I mean I know when to ask for help when I need to, but so many people offer their advice and honestly I just don't really care what they think. Well, maybe not so much that I don't care, but I don't appreciate the way they offer it and make it seem like I'm an idiot who's never seen a baby in her life. If their tone was different I think my attitude about their advice would be different.

I feel like I'm complaining and I don't want to be.

I'm excited because your closet is finally done and I can start putting things away - which I really need to do because I've got another shower tomorrow for you and well, let's put it this way you're already spoiled rotten :) But it's nice because your room is finally coming together and I can't wait to have it all done and ready for you to come home to.

I should probably get back to work, I love you Ethan.

Preparing for Motherhood

I think one of the most difficult things about being pregnant and getting ready for Ethan hasn't been the pregnancy and it's symptoms, picking out colors and themes, doing a registry, or any of that stuff. The most difficult thing - for me at least - has been re-evaluating myself and seeing my faults as a human and trying to work through them so that when he has arrived then maybe I can be somewhat of a stable human being. But then again are we ever really all that stable?? heh

I feel such a deep desire to bring closure to certain things that happened in high school/early college between friends, but yet I don't know where to begin - or maybe I do, but I'm just too chicken. I feel a strong desire to bring our family closer to God in any ways possible, I want my son to grow up knowing God but not having it shoved down his throat at the same time.

I worry about him as a PK, knowing life in the ministry isn't easy - it's hard just being the preacher's wife let alone the preacher! But I think PK's are given higher expectations because of who their parents are, just like million dollar CEO kid's have that expectation to live up to their parent - or be greater. I don't want him to feel pressured in any way, I want him to be who he is, live his life how he desires, but I want him to make the right choices and to know what the right choices are. I don't think I'd be where I am today if I hadn't of been free to screw up like I did. My parents brought me up in the church and I always knew right from wrong, but I had to learn and fall down to get to this place.

I guess this is where Motherhood starts ... when worry sets in before it's even possible to do anything about it, lol.