I've been a bad mother and I did it so I wouldn't hurt. I pushed you away because I thought "maybe if I don't spend time with you, I won't be attached, then when I go to work I won't feel so bad about leaving you". I was telling myself that you didn't know me because I was always working and never with you anymore. I lied to myself to keep me from hurting and in turn I hurt you.
Yet, when I realized that I was being selfish and was essentially hurting you more, you took me back with open arms. You accept me with all my fears, faults, and failures with your simple, yet beautiful smile.
Ethan Clyde, I truly love you more than you can imagine. Nothing will ever change that. I'm sorry for my selfish heart. I still don't want to leave you and I hate the fact that I will have to get a second job to bring in money for us, but I do it for you. Don't ever stop smiling at me.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
3 Months
You are 3 months old today. I can't believe how much life has changed in those three months.
We went from a two person family doing as we pleased, to a three person family with our lives - especially mine - revolving around you.
That first month I'd spend every waking moment with you - and pretty much every sleeping moment as well. It got to the point where I had to say no and make your dad keep you for awhile so he could get used to doing things for you as well and I could catch some real sleep every now and then.
By the second month we had a routine down. You were able to sleep in your crib, you were on an eating schedule - 4 times a day and maybe once during the night. We took you out places and could feel a little more free with you. You began talking to us. You smiled whenever we talked to you. You found your hands and they found your tongue. You learned to laugh.
I can't begin to explain the joy you've brought our household. Your father and I find ourselves laughing in the middle of an argument because you decided to speak up. We find joy in the little things you do.
People already brag about you. I try to keep my head small from it all, but it's hard to not feel so much pride about how you're such a great baby. It makes having another child scary because what if they aren't as easy as you? We've truly been blessed by you Ethan Taylor. I pray that you can continue to bless those around you as you grow older.
We went from a two person family doing as we pleased, to a three person family with our lives - especially mine - revolving around you.
That first month I'd spend every waking moment with you - and pretty much every sleeping moment as well. It got to the point where I had to say no and make your dad keep you for awhile so he could get used to doing things for you as well and I could catch some real sleep every now and then.
By the second month we had a routine down. You were able to sleep in your crib, you were on an eating schedule - 4 times a day and maybe once during the night. We took you out places and could feel a little more free with you. You began talking to us. You smiled whenever we talked to you. You found your hands and they found your tongue. You learned to laugh.
I can't begin to explain the joy you've brought our household. Your father and I find ourselves laughing in the middle of an argument because you decided to speak up. We find joy in the little things you do.
People already brag about you. I try to keep my head small from it all, but it's hard to not feel so much pride about how you're such a great baby. It makes having another child scary because what if they aren't as easy as you? We've truly been blessed by you Ethan Taylor. I pray that you can continue to bless those around you as you grow older.
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