Christmas Without Santa

Originally when you dad first proposed this idea to me I was against it. What's Christmas without Santa. The traditions of cookies out. The songs and stories. The anticipation of waiting for Christmas Morning.

I always thought I'd just talk him out of it - or do what I normally do and just do what I want anyways :P but the more I thought about it, and the more we talked about it after you were born and we were preparing for your first Christmas, I began to realize how wrong my thinking really was.

Christmas isn't about Santa and the gifts we get from him. It certainly isn't about lying to you to give you more gifts (which I've realized I would be horrible at lying to you about it and would most likely tell you he wasn't real anyways lol). Christmas is about a gift, the best gift anyone could ever receive, and it was given to you not by your father and me, but by your Heavenly Father. It's the gift of a little baby who would one day grow up to die for you so you could have new life and be with God for all eternity.

I've realized that this is truly what I want you to focus on as you grow up. I want God to be at the forefront of your life, especially when He really is the reason for this season. I hope your dad and I can imitate that lifestyle for you as well.

Oh, and please try not to ruin Santa for other people as you grow up. Everyone likes their traditions, and it's a big one to many people. Instead use your faith and belief in Jesus to share with them the true meaning of Christmas. We love you Ethan Clyde and only want the best for you.

Separation Anxiety

I hate that I feel like I don't know you. You've changed so much in the time I've gone back to work and I hate not spending those minutes with you.

You talk.
You laugh and smile.
You're moving your hands more and opening them up as if to grasp things.
You sleep through the night so perfectly, like the little angel you are.

I hate that I don't get my mom time with you. I loved every minute I had with you right after you came home. You used to cuddle up with me - you kept me warm! :) Now it seems like the only time I can spend with you is your evening feeding and then it's off to bed. Don't get me wrong - I cherish that moment because it's all I get with you, I just wish it was more.

The things you are able to do as a 2 month old amaze me. I'm so proud of you already and I pray that you continue on in your success.

Boy, you hold a bigger part of my heart than I ever thought possible.

Morning Person

If you had met me in high school, you'd know I'm not a morning person.
If you had met me in college you'd know I'm not a morning person - in fact you'd probably think I was nocturnal.
If you had met me in my first year of marriage, you'd know I still did not enjoy mornings, although I saw a lot more of them then.

Once I met you, I learned what mornings were all about. I'd rather go to bed at 10 and get up at 6 then stay up all night long. I'd rather wake up and start the day with you.

Ethan Clyde Taylor, you have changed me in so many ways it's indescribable. These are good changes too, you have made me become a better person. You've taught me lessons I think God's been trying to get through to me forever - like how to have patience and not be self-centered. You really are a gift from God. He knew exactly what He was doing - like He always does :) - when He gave me you.

I love you son.

Bills ... Bills ... Bills

"Dad, I don't want to wear your hat!"

<3

"YAAAAWWWWN!"

"Hark! Who is that I hear calling?" LOL

We got the last of the hospital bills today ... man is it expensive to birth a baby! Luckily insurance covered the majority of it - except on one bill. It's tough for us being in our financial position we're in and trying to decide how to handle the costs. Not even this though makes me wish you weren't here. I don't care the cost, you're too precious to me!

It's like people have said to us after seeing you, how can anyone purposely hurt something as small and precious as a newborn - or even a little older than that! Like I said in my last post, you amaze me at all the things you do and you have shown me another side of God that I've never experienced before.

I may feel angry about our situation, I may want to cry and yell and scream, but one look at you and I just want to curl up with you and ignore the rest of the world. You bring me such joy and peace. You really are a blessing from God.

One Month

One Month ... 28 days ... 664 hours (if my math is correct) spent taking care of you.

You've changed my life in so many ways - all of them good. I wouldn't trade any minute of the last month. You've taught me patience. You've shown me a deeper side to love and a deeper side of God.

You've also robbed us of sleep and some peace due to lack of sleep - but you've helped us grow to understand each other and our needs more.

We spent our first day away from you last Saturday - two days before you turned 1 month - it was the hardest thing for me personally as I haven't been away from you since they first placed you in my arms (other than sleeping and daddy occasionally taking you to work so I can get some more sleep ... but I don't count the moments I'm not awake because I don't have to put up with you not being there). It felt like such a long day. I did not like being free, I kept looking for you to be by my side. It drove me nuts knowing you weren't anywhere near me.

1 day old

1 month and 3 days old

One Week

It has been one week since you've entered into our lives. I still can't believe you're finally here, but at the same time it seems like you've always been here. Life is complete. It was like a missing piece I didn't realize was missing, but now if you were gone I don't know what I would do. You are so precious to me. I can't get enough of you. I want to always hold you and love on you. I love that I have two full months with you but I already know it'll be hard to leave you to go back to work. You've already surpassed every dream and preconceived notion I've had of you. You are my world now. I love you Ethan Taylor.

Day 1

Day 2Day 3Day 4Day 5Day 6Day 7

I'm excited for the day when I can give you brothers and sisters and you can share in this excitement with us.

Gilmore Girls - Sookie Overdue Baby

This is how I'm feeling ... Granted I'm not overdue LOL

Rearranging - aka Nesting

I'm not totally sure I'd consider it nesting because I've always enjoyed changing up my room - I think the most I ever moved around my room was 3 times in one year. I get bored very easily. But it also wasn't because I was just "bored". I was trying to figure out the best layout for you - and us. Especially since daddy painted your dresser the same color as the wall we were originally going to put it on. This made it necessary to move things around because it'd be WAY too much aqua-marine blue. Of course now I'm thinking I'm going to have to change the wall decor since it's liable to fall on your head - so many things to consider for your safety!!

This is like the 3rd or 4th time I've rearranged your room though. I do think I'm finally happy with the layout - it'd definitely be nice if there was just a little bit more wall space but I think it's pretty much perfect this way.

As much as I have been saying "Get your butt here now!" and I mean it 'cause I can't wait to see you and hold you and love on you, I need you to wait until we can put the rest of your things away in the dresser. Otherwise you're sharing a bed with a lot of crap ;) haha Ok, I wouldn't REALLY do that to you, but that's where it's being stored right now because I can't put it away!!

Ready and Waiting

As each day passes I think your father gets more and more antsy to meet you. He always asks me "is baby coming today??" Heh, like I have much say so in it! If I did you'd already be here with me!!

We're ready and waiting, and I think that's what really makes us antsy - especially because we just don't know when you'll decide to come! You sure have been causing me pain these last few days - preparing to make your big debut I suppose, but it's driving me nuts because it's like "are you coming or not?!" LOL

Soon.

Soon you'll be in my arms and I can love on you. I will always cherish those moments because I know with boys you grow out of it so fast.

I do hope you come early, you've got a lot of people wanting to meet you and I want you to be able to meet them! If only you knew how much you were loved before anyone "knew" you - I guess that's kind of how God works huh. He loved us before we were even thought of, loved us so much to save us from despair and eternal torture through His Son Jesus.

Being a mom gives you a new perspective, a new understanding of God and His love for us. The love I have for you is something I don't think I've ever been able to experience before and I'm grateful for the chance.

I love you my sweet baby boy. One day soon you will be in this world, in my arms and I can't wait until that day comes.

Anticipation

Your dad is making me anxious and nervous. He keeps saying that you will come on Saturday. So every little thing that changes makes me question "is this it? are you coming?"

I couldn't fall asleep last night because I didn't want to be asleep when it started, not that it'd make much difference because I'm sure Dr. Dalla Riva would say wait until your water breaks or your contractions are so far apart.... I'm just trying to make it to 2:15 tomorrow afternoon when I have my next doc appt. I know you've dropped, my stomach is so much lower - plus you're putting a lot of extra pressure on my muscles under my stomach.

I selfishly want you here now because I just want to hold you. I want to see your face and love on you. I think it'll be hard for me at first to give you away because for once when I have a baby in my arms you'll be mine, all mine and I'll want you all to myself. I've always been the quiet, polite person who will wait their turn to hold the baby - and most times never really get a turn - but now I'll always have a turn because I'll have you with me constantly. Who knows I may get sick of you and make someone else take you ;) haha ... I don't think that'll be possible. I've waited too long for this ... for you.

I never thought I could love someone this much, and in a way I barely know you, but kiddo you're going to be smothered with momma's love! Of that I'm sure!

The Home Stretch

I had the first of my weekly appointments yesterday. The uncomfortableness I've been feeling made me hoping to hear something like "should be anytime now!" from the doctor, but after my exam those hopes were dashed - which isn't a bad thing by any means, the longer I have you in me the better it really is, I'm just at the impatient point. He did explain why I am so uncomfortable, your pushing against my ribs!! Although it's made it much more enjoyable to feel you moving around. I now know that that bump on my right side I'm pushing back at is your foot - maybe this will turn into a Mommy & Me game? :)

We had a small accident in your room last night - luckily you weren't there, and no one else as well. We knew we needed to anchor that shelf thing to the wall, just hadn't gotten to that point yet - guess God was trying to tell us to quit putting things off!! Unfortunately it broke your lamp, but hopefully we'll get the one off the registry!

These last few weeks seem to be dragging - it's not helping that I'm not working as much so I'm just lazing about the house all day!! But it's nice to be able to relax and work and try and finish some projects before you get here. I wonder how much you really will change our lives. How much time we'll have for ourselves, how the dogs will handle you - and you'll handle them! Good thing they're going through training right now so they won't be as wild when you get here. They're both doing good, Humphrey's taking a little longer to learn though, but that doesn't surprise me at all! :)

We're all very excited to meet you Ethan, please don't wait too long to come! <3

Dear Ethan

The last three days have been busy and full of work for your dad and I. While he's been putting together furniture items, I've been decorating and organizing and putting things away. We're 95% done with your room. All that's left is to finish your dresser and put the things away in there that we've got left out.




I've washed your clothes and will start washing your bottles and binkies tomorrow. Everything is ready and waiting for you to get here. Can you tell we're excited? Once I get those things finished I'll just have to worry about packing for the hospital and then the anticipation of not knowing when you'll get here.

The dogs are very intrigued by all the movement and change. I think Humphrey isn't very happy because he's been peeing in the house. Asher just seems nervous. It's been quite entertaining with him. He guarded the doorway while your dad worked and I took pictures. We're ready whenever you are. Pick your date wisely, because it'll follow you the rest of your life :)

I love you.

It's been a while since I've written, not sure that it's because I'm too busy but we'll say it is. I feel like I'm just playing the waiting game right now. Anticipation is awful, not knowing when it'll happen, if I'll be at work or at home or at church (how funny would that be in the middle of the service?! haha).

I feel like I have to see people and do a lot before the end of September because I feel like I will become a hermit through the end of November! My body has always been okay when dealing with lack of sleep, I mean that's how I lived through high school, but it still scares me because now with a lack of sleep I'll have a human life dependent on me. But I feel so ready for you to be here with me, but in reality I'm not so sure that I really am ready.

I constantly think about things regarding you and how will I know what to do. Aside from knowing when to change a diaper, I think I will be completely lost! I've debated asking your Grandma Milligan to come stay for a while with me to help me get the hang of things, schedules, cries, bath time, feedings, etc. I always wonder how women do this on their own with no previous experience. The most experience I've had is working - rarely - in the baby room when I worked at the preschool ... ohh and babysitting your cousin Austin, but I don't remember babysitting him before he could hold his head up and by then he was pretty well "trained" lol. I don't want people telling me how to do it "right" though, because that just aggravates me, but I know I'll need some help ... so where's that line? I mean I know when to ask for help when I need to, but so many people offer their advice and honestly I just don't really care what they think. Well, maybe not so much that I don't care, but I don't appreciate the way they offer it and make it seem like I'm an idiot who's never seen a baby in her life. If their tone was different I think my attitude about their advice would be different.

I feel like I'm complaining and I don't want to be.

I'm excited because your closet is finally done and I can start putting things away - which I really need to do because I've got another shower tomorrow for you and well, let's put it this way you're already spoiled rotten :) But it's nice because your room is finally coming together and I can't wait to have it all done and ready for you to come home to.

I should probably get back to work, I love you Ethan.

Preparing for Motherhood

I think one of the most difficult things about being pregnant and getting ready for Ethan hasn't been the pregnancy and it's symptoms, picking out colors and themes, doing a registry, or any of that stuff. The most difficult thing - for me at least - has been re-evaluating myself and seeing my faults as a human and trying to work through them so that when he has arrived then maybe I can be somewhat of a stable human being. But then again are we ever really all that stable?? heh

I feel such a deep desire to bring closure to certain things that happened in high school/early college between friends, but yet I don't know where to begin - or maybe I do, but I'm just too chicken. I feel a strong desire to bring our family closer to God in any ways possible, I want my son to grow up knowing God but not having it shoved down his throat at the same time.

I worry about him as a PK, knowing life in the ministry isn't easy - it's hard just being the preacher's wife let alone the preacher! But I think PK's are given higher expectations because of who their parents are, just like million dollar CEO kid's have that expectation to live up to their parent - or be greater. I don't want him to feel pressured in any way, I want him to be who he is, live his life how he desires, but I want him to make the right choices and to know what the right choices are. I don't think I'd be where I am today if I hadn't of been free to screw up like I did. My parents brought me up in the church and I always knew right from wrong, but I had to learn and fall down to get to this place.

I guess this is where Motherhood starts ... when worry sets in before it's even possible to do anything about it, lol.

Nursery

Your Great-Grandma Peggy and Great-Great Aunt Fay painted your bedroom for you. They are beasts when it comes to home repair. They helped us paint most of the house in fact and plan to come back to do some touch up on minor things. They've helped make the house our home.

I'm so excited, seeing your room. I'm ready for you to come and ready for all of your stuff! I can't wait to start putting things together, moving you in, getting your toys ready! Your dad and I are slowly getting the house together and ready for you. Although, I have a feeling we will still have clutter in the office/guest bedroom when you arrive.

I hope to get some things up on your wall tonight since that's all I really can do at this point. I still have to fix up your dresser that your Great-Grandma Milligan gave us. When she graduated from nursing school in the '40's, she and some friends moved into an apartment. One of those friend's boyfriends crafted this for them to use as extra storage in the kitchen. Your Great-Aunt Carolyn used it for some time as a regular dresser. I'm sure other family members have used it from time to time since then as well. I'm so excited to give you a family antique like this and still in decent shape - it does need some touch up, but it's not falling apart! It makes me happy to know I can pass on history to you in this way. Plus it means a lot to me because I know Grandma Milligan doesn't have much and to have an antique like this from her means a lot to me and I hope it will mean a lot to you also down the road.

I love you little Ethan Taylor. I can't wait to have you in my arms.

23rd Birthday

I had my 23rd birthday two days ago. That's how old I'll be when I have you. Going off my schedule, I'm only two years late, but I'm still happy with how things have gone in life. I don't think I would change them. I always wanted to have kids young because I always felt like the reason my mother and I weren't close was because there was such a huge gap between us. She was 39 when she had me. I didn't want that to be the case. Granted, we are much closer now that I've grown and moved out and become an adult living her own life, but I still feel like I missed out on something by not having a close, happy relationship most of my life with her.

It's weird, having this birthday. I almost didn't want to focus on it. Like it's not even important. You have consumed my world in so many ways. I want people to be obsessed with you like I am, that you should be their world like you are mine.

The doctor reminded me, 12 more weeks. That seems like such a short time, of course if you say 3 more months that seems longer! But I still can't believe I'm in my last trimester with you. I look at myself and I can't believe it's that far, it doesn't seem possible, you don't seem big enough looking on the outside.

I love you Ethan, more than you know.

Showers

Why do throwing parties have to be so complicated? Why do I have to be involved when I'm the guest of honor? Just tell me the date and I'll be there, you do everything else. I don't want to have 50 million showers. I don't want to have every weekend of one month filled with these things, but if it has to be that way then so be it. I don't know why families can't work together on these things instead of getting in each others faces and wanting it done their way.

On top of that I have to deal with your father and not wanting to go shopping to register for stuff for you. It's been very frustrating. I'll seriously just go myself except I don't want to ... lol, I like second opinions when I shop. I will say this, with all the showers and people involved I'm sure you will be one very spoiled and happy baby!

As the day gets closer all I want to do is focus on you, but I can't. I have to worry about work and school and finding time in between that to get the house ready for you. I'm so excited to get it ready for you but I'm stuck. Stuck until the bathroom's done, until the ferrets are gone, until your room is painted. People keep telling me that I should keep you in our room for a while, but why waste your room, especially if my old bed will be in there? I'll just sleep right by you - that'll be better for me since I don't do well being woken up and getting little to no sleep :) but I'll deal with it for you.

Be glad you're a boy and won't have to deal with showers and all that goes along with it, let your future wife handle it ... but be helpful at the same time, even if she doesn't act like she needs the help, offer - you might be surprised.

I can't wait to see the type of man you'll be. I pray that you won't be the stereotypical PK, but I think you'll definitely be an interesting kid between your father and me :)

I love you.

I actually got a visual of you the other day. I was laying in bed reading and you started kicking, or punching, or rolling around or whatever it is you're doing in there that I can feel and I actually saw you do it. It only happened once, but it was pretty awesome getting to see it. You're dad is jealous - I can't blame him because I would be too if I was him! But I know it wasn't the last time I'll see you moving around.

People have begun making comments that can tell but don't know that I'm pregnant - like customers at the store. And of course other church friends who think I look so darn cute! haha! And I've definitely begun to wear clothes to show off the size you've made me :) I think I'm finally beginning to enjoy this whole pregnancy thing ... in fact I've reconsidered the never going through morning sickness part ever again.

Halfway There

I definitely get more and more excited as each week passes by. I love reading about the growth you've been doing each week and seeing approx how big you are and what new thing you've taught yourself to do. So many things you learn on your own while I carry you with me - it amazes me.

We got you some Cardinal gear yesterday. I knew your father couldn't pass it up, so I just happened to direct him down the aisle to pick out just exactly the right outfit for you. I can't wait until we can dress you up in it. It should be the perfect size for you when the season starts next year - you'll be old enough just in time :)

I think I've finally accepted having to be in the "spotlight". It really used to bug me when tons of people would come up and talk to me about you and being pregnant. Your dad says I'm just nuts - which I'm sure one day you'll agree with him haha :) - but I've never really been one for the center of attention.

Anyways I'm excited to see what the next few months will be like since honestly the first 3.5 were awful because I was always sick as soon as I got up. It's a joy to always feel you kicking and I hope you don't stop. You have already become my favorite thing in life. I love you Ethan.

Scared

I'm scared. I'm scared for you. I'm scared for me. I'm scared because I don't feel ready. I'm scared because I don't feel capable.

But yet I can't wait to have you in my hands, to see your face and your little hands and toes. I can't wait to shower you with love, to talk to you, laugh with you and play with you.

2/16/2010

"You started making me nauseous on Feb. 10 and by the 13th I knew something was up since I had to leave church in the middle of the day and slept all day only to wake up sick. So I had your father get a test and sure enough, I was right! So we found out about you late Saturday night in the middle of daddy's D-Now weekend. His reaction at first was, uhhh interesting to say the least, but it was due to a mixture of shock and being tired because the next day he was busting at the seams to tell people! We told a few close friends at church that Sunday and shared with your Grandma and Grandpa Taylor and Great-Grandma Taylor the next day. I wanted your Uncles and Grandma & Grandpa Milligan to all be together when they found out so we had to wait a few more days before we got to tell them. In fact, the plan is to tell them tomorrow, a week from when you made your presence known to me.

I can't tell you how excited I am for you to be here, and even though I'm not sure how long you've been with me I'm not sure I can wait a whole 9 months for you to get here! Especially if you continue to make me sick everytime I eat! :) I already love you so much and I hope you always know that."