The Home Stretch

I had the first of my weekly appointments yesterday. The uncomfortableness I've been feeling made me hoping to hear something like "should be anytime now!" from the doctor, but after my exam those hopes were dashed - which isn't a bad thing by any means, the longer I have you in me the better it really is, I'm just at the impatient point. He did explain why I am so uncomfortable, your pushing against my ribs!! Although it's made it much more enjoyable to feel you moving around. I now know that that bump on my right side I'm pushing back at is your foot - maybe this will turn into a Mommy & Me game? :)

We had a small accident in your room last night - luckily you weren't there, and no one else as well. We knew we needed to anchor that shelf thing to the wall, just hadn't gotten to that point yet - guess God was trying to tell us to quit putting things off!! Unfortunately it broke your lamp, but hopefully we'll get the one off the registry!

These last few weeks seem to be dragging - it's not helping that I'm not working as much so I'm just lazing about the house all day!! But it's nice to be able to relax and work and try and finish some projects before you get here. I wonder how much you really will change our lives. How much time we'll have for ourselves, how the dogs will handle you - and you'll handle them! Good thing they're going through training right now so they won't be as wild when you get here. They're both doing good, Humphrey's taking a little longer to learn though, but that doesn't surprise me at all! :)

We're all very excited to meet you Ethan, please don't wait too long to come! <3

Dear Ethan

The last three days have been busy and full of work for your dad and I. While he's been putting together furniture items, I've been decorating and organizing and putting things away. We're 95% done with your room. All that's left is to finish your dresser and put the things away in there that we've got left out.




I've washed your clothes and will start washing your bottles and binkies tomorrow. Everything is ready and waiting for you to get here. Can you tell we're excited? Once I get those things finished I'll just have to worry about packing for the hospital and then the anticipation of not knowing when you'll get here.

The dogs are very intrigued by all the movement and change. I think Humphrey isn't very happy because he's been peeing in the house. Asher just seems nervous. It's been quite entertaining with him. He guarded the doorway while your dad worked and I took pictures. We're ready whenever you are. Pick your date wisely, because it'll follow you the rest of your life :)

I love you.

It's been a while since I've written, not sure that it's because I'm too busy but we'll say it is. I feel like I'm just playing the waiting game right now. Anticipation is awful, not knowing when it'll happen, if I'll be at work or at home or at church (how funny would that be in the middle of the service?! haha).

I feel like I have to see people and do a lot before the end of September because I feel like I will become a hermit through the end of November! My body has always been okay when dealing with lack of sleep, I mean that's how I lived through high school, but it still scares me because now with a lack of sleep I'll have a human life dependent on me. But I feel so ready for you to be here with me, but in reality I'm not so sure that I really am ready.

I constantly think about things regarding you and how will I know what to do. Aside from knowing when to change a diaper, I think I will be completely lost! I've debated asking your Grandma Milligan to come stay for a while with me to help me get the hang of things, schedules, cries, bath time, feedings, etc. I always wonder how women do this on their own with no previous experience. The most experience I've had is working - rarely - in the baby room when I worked at the preschool ... ohh and babysitting your cousin Austin, but I don't remember babysitting him before he could hold his head up and by then he was pretty well "trained" lol. I don't want people telling me how to do it "right" though, because that just aggravates me, but I know I'll need some help ... so where's that line? I mean I know when to ask for help when I need to, but so many people offer their advice and honestly I just don't really care what they think. Well, maybe not so much that I don't care, but I don't appreciate the way they offer it and make it seem like I'm an idiot who's never seen a baby in her life. If their tone was different I think my attitude about their advice would be different.

I feel like I'm complaining and I don't want to be.

I'm excited because your closet is finally done and I can start putting things away - which I really need to do because I've got another shower tomorrow for you and well, let's put it this way you're already spoiled rotten :) But it's nice because your room is finally coming together and I can't wait to have it all done and ready for you to come home to.

I should probably get back to work, I love you Ethan.

Preparing for Motherhood

I think one of the most difficult things about being pregnant and getting ready for Ethan hasn't been the pregnancy and it's symptoms, picking out colors and themes, doing a registry, or any of that stuff. The most difficult thing - for me at least - has been re-evaluating myself and seeing my faults as a human and trying to work through them so that when he has arrived then maybe I can be somewhat of a stable human being. But then again are we ever really all that stable?? heh

I feel such a deep desire to bring closure to certain things that happened in high school/early college between friends, but yet I don't know where to begin - or maybe I do, but I'm just too chicken. I feel a strong desire to bring our family closer to God in any ways possible, I want my son to grow up knowing God but not having it shoved down his throat at the same time.

I worry about him as a PK, knowing life in the ministry isn't easy - it's hard just being the preacher's wife let alone the preacher! But I think PK's are given higher expectations because of who their parents are, just like million dollar CEO kid's have that expectation to live up to their parent - or be greater. I don't want him to feel pressured in any way, I want him to be who he is, live his life how he desires, but I want him to make the right choices and to know what the right choices are. I don't think I'd be where I am today if I hadn't of been free to screw up like I did. My parents brought me up in the church and I always knew right from wrong, but I had to learn and fall down to get to this place.

I guess this is where Motherhood starts ... when worry sets in before it's even possible to do anything about it, lol.

Nursery

Your Great-Grandma Peggy and Great-Great Aunt Fay painted your bedroom for you. They are beasts when it comes to home repair. They helped us paint most of the house in fact and plan to come back to do some touch up on minor things. They've helped make the house our home.

I'm so excited, seeing your room. I'm ready for you to come and ready for all of your stuff! I can't wait to start putting things together, moving you in, getting your toys ready! Your dad and I are slowly getting the house together and ready for you. Although, I have a feeling we will still have clutter in the office/guest bedroom when you arrive.

I hope to get some things up on your wall tonight since that's all I really can do at this point. I still have to fix up your dresser that your Great-Grandma Milligan gave us. When she graduated from nursing school in the '40's, she and some friends moved into an apartment. One of those friend's boyfriends crafted this for them to use as extra storage in the kitchen. Your Great-Aunt Carolyn used it for some time as a regular dresser. I'm sure other family members have used it from time to time since then as well. I'm so excited to give you a family antique like this and still in decent shape - it does need some touch up, but it's not falling apart! It makes me happy to know I can pass on history to you in this way. Plus it means a lot to me because I know Grandma Milligan doesn't have much and to have an antique like this from her means a lot to me and I hope it will mean a lot to you also down the road.

I love you little Ethan Taylor. I can't wait to have you in my arms.

23rd Birthday

I had my 23rd birthday two days ago. That's how old I'll be when I have you. Going off my schedule, I'm only two years late, but I'm still happy with how things have gone in life. I don't think I would change them. I always wanted to have kids young because I always felt like the reason my mother and I weren't close was because there was such a huge gap between us. She was 39 when she had me. I didn't want that to be the case. Granted, we are much closer now that I've grown and moved out and become an adult living her own life, but I still feel like I missed out on something by not having a close, happy relationship most of my life with her.

It's weird, having this birthday. I almost didn't want to focus on it. Like it's not even important. You have consumed my world in so many ways. I want people to be obsessed with you like I am, that you should be their world like you are mine.

The doctor reminded me, 12 more weeks. That seems like such a short time, of course if you say 3 more months that seems longer! But I still can't believe I'm in my last trimester with you. I look at myself and I can't believe it's that far, it doesn't seem possible, you don't seem big enough looking on the outside.

I love you Ethan, more than you know.

Showers

Why do throwing parties have to be so complicated? Why do I have to be involved when I'm the guest of honor? Just tell me the date and I'll be there, you do everything else. I don't want to have 50 million showers. I don't want to have every weekend of one month filled with these things, but if it has to be that way then so be it. I don't know why families can't work together on these things instead of getting in each others faces and wanting it done their way.

On top of that I have to deal with your father and not wanting to go shopping to register for stuff for you. It's been very frustrating. I'll seriously just go myself except I don't want to ... lol, I like second opinions when I shop. I will say this, with all the showers and people involved I'm sure you will be one very spoiled and happy baby!

As the day gets closer all I want to do is focus on you, but I can't. I have to worry about work and school and finding time in between that to get the house ready for you. I'm so excited to get it ready for you but I'm stuck. Stuck until the bathroom's done, until the ferrets are gone, until your room is painted. People keep telling me that I should keep you in our room for a while, but why waste your room, especially if my old bed will be in there? I'll just sleep right by you - that'll be better for me since I don't do well being woken up and getting little to no sleep :) but I'll deal with it for you.

Be glad you're a boy and won't have to deal with showers and all that goes along with it, let your future wife handle it ... but be helpful at the same time, even if she doesn't act like she needs the help, offer - you might be surprised.

I can't wait to see the type of man you'll be. I pray that you won't be the stereotypical PK, but I think you'll definitely be an interesting kid between your father and me :)

I love you.